Thursday, October 22, 2009

dreaming of him

after my brother was killed, all i wanted was to dream about him.
i wanted meaningful, spiritual dreams that helped me feel closer to his spirit.
it didn't happen.
a couple of my family members had them, but none for me.
it's almost been almost two years and i've had a couple sprinkled here and there,
but they are not what i want. is that greedy of me?

the situation in each of these dreams is different, but the point is the same: he's still alive.
either is was all a big practical joke, or the government faked his death so he could go undercover, or something else really dramatic. the dreams themselves are wonderful. the feeling of reuniting with someone you thought was gone is indescribable, but when i awake, there is only disappointment. frustration that the dream wasn't real.

i was in denial for a long time after his death, and in some ways i still think i am. i remember convincing myself that it was all a mistake. the wrong guy, the wrong name, the wrong family got notified. when i walked up to that casket, i literally waited for him to jump up laughing telling us that he "got us good." when it didn't happened, i was devastated all over again; just like that phone call when i heard. then i touched his lifeless body and my heart sunk even deeper. this is real.



my four brothers



although i have deep faith that i will see my brother again, sometimes it's hard to keep that in perspective. i KNOW that we will reunite, but it's just so far away. i want to feel him closer to me. i want my faith to be stronger and take some of the hurt away. really, i just want more peace about his death. i have some, just not enough. will i ever have enough though?

as the weather changes, these feeling start coming back. i noticed it last year, but not this early in the fall! he died in december, so the holidays will never be the same, but it's odd to me that his memory becomes especially poignant as the coolness takes over. it's not a bad thing, just heavies my heart and my mind. the dreams have been happening more frequent lately, and i've been having solemn moments when i'm alone.

these are just my current thoughts. bottom line- i miss him. i know i will see him again. i feel lucky to know him. i want to feel his spirit more clearly. i love him.

that's it.

4 comments:

Annette said...

I miss him too!

Noel said...

Thanks for sharing that post shay. I love you and miss Markie too!

Christina said...

I so remember that, and my heart breaking for you. Right now, one of my very closest friends is in her last days, after a 5 year fight with colon cancer. My heart is broken, and when I think of her 3 sweet kids it is even more shattered. I know it's not the same thing as losing a sibling, but I just want to say that going through this now makes me understand even more deeply your loss and so so very sorry that you had to go through that. Lots of prayers and hugs for you, as I know the next few months will be harder. Dreams are amazing...but I know the feeling of waking up and your heart sinking because it WAS a dream.

Tara said...

You are so sweet. Your peace will come. Just keep praying and hoping for it. You will find it.
Love you
xoxox