feelings about my body

i've avoided writing about my body image for some time now, but i feel like it will be good for me. for now, and to look back on. 

my mother always taught me to love my body. she told me it was beautiful and that it wouldn't get any better than it was in my teen years. she was right. it was beautiful and it wouldn't get any better than that. why didn't i believe her? although i don't like to admit it, i've always felt just a little fat; mostly my tummy and love handles because i'm an apple an that's where i hold my extra "love." i hate that i've always felt that.

i'm a firm believer in "fake it till you make it" so i try to exude confidence even when i'm struggling with my own self image. please don't get me wrong, i do love my body. it's strong and healthy and bares perfect, beautiful children. heavenly father blessed me with an able body and i thank him every time i pray, but how come i cannot come to terms with my weight? 

i've lost most of the last pregnancy weight doing weight watchers, but i can only diet for so long. 8 weeks is when i usually fall off the ban wagon. and 10 pounds is apparently all i can lose at one time. dieting feels good, but oh so depriving! i'm 15 pounds heavier than my wedding weight. 

i love to work out. i've been an athlete since i was a child and moving my body has always been rewarding for me. but after having three children and getting "a little bit older," exercising just isn't keeping the extra weight off. my diet must change too if i want to get back to my wedding weight and my mind keeps going back and forth debating whether it's worth it or not and if i can even do it.

for months now, i've been on and off weight watchers, running and not running, doing both, giving up on one or the other and all the combinations in between. it's stressing me out and i don't like the feeling. i'm putting too much pressure on my self to get down to my perfect body and it's not okay. i know so many women who struggle with their body image way worse than i do and my heart hurts for them. a couple of my husband's sister struggle deeply and i always tell them to knock it off and appreciate what they have. it's time for me to take my own advice. i read this blog post the other day and took a deep breath. it's was perfectly put.

"You will be tempted to coerce your body into staying the same. You might hear about unhealthy perimeters to keep your body within; numbers and measurements. You might feel a need to restore your body to a certain age where you think your body belongs--even though you would never will your spirit backwards to that same place. You will hear lies that unless your body stays the same you are not good enough.

These are the worst lies ever told since the beginning of time. The worst lies always involve a woman's body. They always involve a woman's body and her inabilities. And these lies, they've hurt a lot of people. You don't have to believe them. In fact, you can believe more than the sum of all these lies.Your body is not about what you have too much of. Your body is not about what you wish you had more of. Your body isn't even about an appearance, it's more intelligent than that. It's about truth; the physical manifestation of what you know inside. It's not about what days you will take it to the gym. It's not about what you foods you will refuse it. It's not about how you can pluck it, paint it, or shape it with plastic. It's about how you feel about its worth--and your spirit's worth--and those sentiments will be your guide on how you treat it. 

Your body has been changing since the day you were born, let it continue to change. Let it fatten, let it thin, let it bloom, let it blossom, let it shrink, let it wrinkle, let it die."

that cjane. she knows what she's talking about. i want to live these words. sure, i want to be healthy. i'm enjoying running and i'm going to keep doing it. i want to teach my kids healthy habits, but i'm still going to enjoy food. i'm not going to beat myself up over a stretch-marked pooch and 15 pounds. my body is amazing and i need to appreciate it.

amen.